Dealing with Impostor Syndrome

I graduated from college feeling pretty good about joining the world of working adults. Sure, I didn’t have a set plan for my life, but I’d lucked my way into a job I was actually super excited about. I felt like I was ready to be done with school, and that the workforce would be a welcome change of pace.

Unfortunately, joining the workforce didn’t go as smoothly as I hoped.

My deep work-related uncertainty set in pretty early. During my first day “work,” I probably got asked at least twenty questions. I knew the answers to approximately zero of them.

 

*Questions and answers may or may not have been slightly exaggerated for dramatic effect.

Things only got more complicated and confusing after my first days. Within the first two weeks, I developed a nagging suspicion that I didn’t belong in my job. Everyone around me seemed to “get it,” while I was lagging behind. I came to believe that I had somehow faked my way into my job. I was afraid that, at any moment, someone would discover I didn’t actually deserve to be there.

In short, I was suffering from Impostor Syndrome. And it leaked from my professional life into other elements of my life as well, until I felt like an Impostor everywhere.

Looking back now, I realize that I wasn’t the only one of my friends suffering from these kinds of thoughts. But at the time, I felt like I was the only one—like all my friends fit into their new working lives easily, while I stuck out like a sore thumb.

So I kept it to myself.

 

This only led to the syndrome growing worse. I felt like I was often BSing my way through work.

 

 

What’s more, the feeling of Impostor Syndrome made me feel depressed while working. I felt so intimidated and out of my depth that it was hard for me to focus. Even though I was worried about work all the time, I spent a good chunk of my “working” time procrastinating.

 

*I didn’t beat the Tetris high score that day, in case you were wondering. Procrastinators never win.

Eventually, I realized that my current system of work/worry/procrastinate/eatmyweightinguacamole/work wasn’t sustainable. My impostor syndrome was sucking away my ability to enjoy life. I was dehydrating myself from crying on the inside during work everyday.

I decided that I needed to make a choice: I could either continue being hard on myself, or I could whip myself into shape.  I decided that if I was going to be an impostor, I might as well be a damn hard working one.

 

What I found was surprising: while Impostor Syndrome could be demoralizing, it could also be motivating. Once I actively decided to tackle the problem, I was able to channel my nervous energy into tasks that were actually productive. And when I did, I could actually do a task without feeling like a flopping fish stuck on dry land!

 

 

It took some effort, but I actually managed to see new tasks—tasks that I had no experience with, tasks that were totally new—as opportunities to grow. And while I won’t pretend I never feel like an Impostor anymore, I can say that I definitely feel better able to deal with that feeling. I’m able to share it with my friends and family. I’m able to use it to push myself forward. Because I suspect that Impostor Syndrome won’t ever truly, completely fade: whenever I take on a new challenge, I imagine there will be some part of me that screams (“You’re not ready for this!”). And instead of treating that voice like an enemy, I’m looking forward to welcoming it as an old, productive friend.

(Well, mostly productive. I still have to figure out how to stop eating my body-weight in guacamole.)

 

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