Dear Past Self,
As you are probably already aware, you have many people who struggle with anxiety in your life. For some, that anxiety is a chronic challenge; for others, it only flares up in unusual circumstances.
Being a friend to someone who is going through an anxious period can feel challenging. I hope that some of the learnings I’ve picked up in this arena can help you be a more effective support system for your anxious friend.
Of course, the first step in supporting someone dealing with anxiety is to acknowledge that their anxiety is real. This should go without saying, but because of the world we live in, I will say it anyway:
When somebody says they are feeling seriously anxious or panicking, believe them.
No, they are not making it up.* No, they are not just being “dramatic.”
Once you acknowledge your friend’s anxiety is real, it can be hard to know what to do or say. It’s easy to feel like you’ve said or done the wrong thing.
The truth is, Past Self, there isn’t always one “right thing” to say to someone struggling with anxiety. But over the years, I’ve learned that there are definitely some things you should avoid.
For example: when somebody tells you they’re feeling anxious it’s easy to get freaked out. Unfortunately, this freaking out in front of an already-anxious person is rarely helpful:
Freaking out in front of someone who is already struggling with anxiety is like starting a fire near a melting snowman–probably harmful, and definitely not helpful.
Staying calm, on the other hand, might help your anxious friend calm down a little bit.
That said, staying calm is only the first step.
Your natural instinct will be to try and calm your anxious friend down. While this is a good instinct, the right wording makes a difference here:
Phrases like “calm down” or “relax” can actually make an anxious friend actually feel worse, because they’re not in control of their emotions. They can’t just “calm down” any more than they can sprout wings.
Instead, try giving them action items to do: “Let’s take a few breaths,” can be helpful here, as can something like, “o.k., lets try to count backwards from ten.”
While you try to help them calm down, it’s important to make sure that you’re not devaluing or dismissing any of your friend’s emotions.
Phrases like “it’s not a big deal” or “it’s nothing to freak out over,” can often seem like they would be helpful. But, in fact, they can actually have just the opposite effect. They can make the anxious person feel bad about himself/herself, while still being unable to calm down. Often, they already know that they’re anxiety is out of proportion to the actual event, and this knowledge can make them more anxious.
Instead of downplaying their emotions (which doesn’t work), try talking about proactive solutions. Something like “I think we can address this by xxx,” can be very helpful in the right situations.
Of course, sometimes there is no easy solution in sight. The good news is that being a supportive friend doesn’t mean you have to have a solution for anxiety. It just means you have to be willing to show your support in a meaningful way. And that can be surprisingly simple:
Just saying that you are there for someone can be a big help. Of course, each person is different: some friends might have specific words, phrases, or routines that help them deal with anxiety. Others might prefer to deal with it alone. And, in extreme cases, some might need to go to the hospital. Listening to what your friend is telling you–instead to talking–will help make you a good, supportive friend during these times.
Of course, I’m certainly not perfect in this department either, Past Self. But I hope that these tips I’ve learned over time will help you deal with situations you encounter in the future.
Best,
Present Self